Being the Student

As I am in the last 20 days of my first year of teaching I am in the middle of a unique experience. I am also taking a statistics course in pursuit of my Masters in Exceptional Education. Being I struggled through school (how am I a teacher) I am also struggling with this course. I struggle to listen, to do the homework and today I struggled on my final exam - which if I fail I fail the course (that will cost me $1500).

Sitting there in my desk, squirming and pissed of because I had no clue what I was doing, I realized how many of my students (all special needs) feel on a day-too-day basis are feeling. I was aloud to sip my coffee, eat crackers, go for a walk outside to stretch and leave when I wanted. My students have limited time, in one seat with me - pressuring them throughout the whole process.

It is a classic situation where I am being pressured and ignored by those above me, and I pass those feelings off to my students rather than deal with them in a more mature way. Because I am constantly feeling inadequate I push my students to do better and better so I can look like I know what I am doing.

Approaching the end of my first year - teaching - or learning?

While I still cannot articulate why I went into teaching (I am a special education teacher working for Milwaukee Public Schools) other then I wanted to help children (which from the many readings I did in college is what all young white women say) I feel like I am in the exact profession I am supposed to be in. Although I still feel insecure and inadequate at times - when I am with my students I feel like I am the best there is. I have the perfect mix of content knowledge and experience from my own failed educational experiences to capture their hearts and open there eyes to the importance of education.

I struggled through school and truly feel had NCLB be enacted when I was in school I would have received special education services - and might have given up as many of my kids have. I would have felt what my students feel on a day to day basis: alienated, less important, stupid, insecure, alone etc. However I was lucky enough to be in one of the last classes where students could slip under the radar even though I did not complete most of the work and graduated only to enter college and take remedial courses to re-learn everything I missed when I was socializing in class.

I am not sure which I would prefer - my path of getting by or my students path were they hold a giant label that screams special education (worth less than others) and receive services (even though those are often worse off then if they had never been identified.

While I take my job very seriously and I know many others do in my school and around the country - I am only now beginning to understand how behind special education is in our society. Children who in no other way than a state test could be identified as special needs students - are separated and treated differently in 2010. When I graduated I thought I knew everything - and then I got into the real world.